The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Here's one just for Schu.
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put
on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings
and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL
2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL
1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL
3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put
on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings
and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL
2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL
1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL
3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
This space for rent
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to address simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to address simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old
Bassist of Joe's Band
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa, Florida:
?The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.
Red meat is awful....Soft drinks corrode your?stomach lining....
Chinese food is loaded with MSG....
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking?water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all , and we all have--or will--eat it....
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
VVV
VVV
?
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said:
VVV
VVV
VVV
"Wedding? Cake." 
?The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.
Red meat is awful....Soft drinks corrode your?stomach lining....
Chinese food is loaded with MSG....
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking?water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all , and we all have--or will--eat it....
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
VVV
VVV
?
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said:
VVV
VVV
VVV
"Wedding? Cake."
Don't start none...won't be none.
WOMENS'/MENS' DREAM POEMS
A WOMAN'S DREAM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray that he's gainfully employed,
So when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
One who pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
And knows the right answer to: "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Okay folks...you KNEW this was coming:
A MAN'S DREAM
I pray for a deaf-mute-nymphomaniac with huge boobs,
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a rat's ass.
A WOMAN'S DREAM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray that he's gainfully employed,
So when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
One who pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
And knows the right answer to: "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Okay folks...you KNEW this was coming:
A MAN'S DREAM
I pray for a deaf-mute-nymphomaniac with huge boobs,
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a rat's ass.
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Medinaquirin
- Posts: 1546
- Joined: Tue Nov 25, 2003 7:50 pm
- Location: Strider's pants
That makes me think of one of Carlin's quotes: "Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership!"CygnusX1 wrote:A MAN'S DREAM
I pray for a deaf-mute-nymphomaniac with huge boobs,
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a rat's ass.
~Time is a spiral, space is a curve
I know you get dizzy but try not to lose your nerve~
I know you get dizzy but try not to lose your nerve~
Med Wrote:
That makes me think of one of Carlin's quotes: "Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership!"
Along those lines Med:
I AM A BAD AMERICAN by George Carlin
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family--not some mid- level governmental functionary--be it Democratic or Republican!
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. (My fave!!)
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying? 
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt.
I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks, and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.
(Can I get an AMEN on that one?)
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good.....and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause.
These people should be targets.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?
If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
That makes me think of one of Carlin's quotes: "Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership!"
Along those lines Med:
I AM A BAD AMERICAN by George Carlin
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family--not some mid- level governmental functionary--be it Democratic or Republican!
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. (My fave!!)
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt.
I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks, and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.
(Can I get an AMEN on that one?)
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good.....and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause.
These people should be targets.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?
If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
Don't start none...won't be none.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get
old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so
excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six
and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to
the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey,
you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you
become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound
like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun
now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on
the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT
lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there.
Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a
healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them "
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's
workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person,
who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are
alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family,
pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your
refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is
unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every
opportunity.
old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so
excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six
and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to
the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey,
you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you
become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound
like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun
now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on
the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT
lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there.
Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a
healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them "
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's
workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person,
who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are
alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family,
pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your
refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is
unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every
opportunity.
Statue of Liberty 100 yr Birthday 
and the World Trade Center Stood Tall (double click for larger view)
and the World Trade Center Stood Tall (double click for larger view)-
Devil's Advocate
- Posts: 927
- Joined: Mon Nov 17, 2003 2:42 pm
- Location: Pembs, Wales, UK
- Contact:
