Visiting Scotland

[Me]

ADVICE FOR TOURISTS TO SCHUETTE'S SCOTLAND

The following may be of help to first time visitors to
Scotland.

Please find below alist of Do's and DO NOT DO's in our fair country.
I hope they are of some help in allowing you to understand our
social rules and etiquette.

It is considered bad manners for tourists to pay for drinks
in Glasgow Pubs. The biggest person in the bar (referred to as
The Numpty) will be only too happy to pay. i.e.
BARMAN: That will be twenty pounds sir.
TOURIST: The Big Numpty over there is paying.
BARMAN: That will do nicely sir.
BIG NUMPTY: Welcome to Scotland.

In Highland pubs always ask for plenty of water when drinking
the local single malts, this tells the locals that you like it
so much that you want to make it last longer. After your first
sip announce to everyone in the bar in a loud voice
"This is pi$h!" from the Gaelic Piesh Na'lavvy meaning Water
of God.

Thurso is Scotland's largest hypermarket and multiscreen
cinema complex and is only a short taxi ride from Glasgow.

The Scottish Police Force actively encourage tourists to take
their hats as souvenirs.

Braemar is famous for its miles of sandy beaches and has some
of the best surfing in Europe.

Balmoral Castle sits on top of Ben Nevis near Sauchiehall
Street in Edinburgh. There is a cable car from Edinburgh zoo
to the top of Ben Nevis. Because of its height it offers all
year round skiing and there is a revolving restaurant on the
roof of the castle.

Often you will see men in bowler hats marching about playing
the flute and banging a drum. This is a multi denominational
religious ceremony and the object of this procession is to
collect pictures of religious leaders which must be stuck to
the drum. Any images, particularly those of the Pope will be
greatly appreciated.

Where is a nocturnal thistle called a "Spiky Jessie" which is
found on Calton Hill in Edinburgh. As these flowers only open at
night a trip up the hill is recommended. Just tell a taxi driver
that you want to go up Calton Hill to take pictures of the Jessies
coming out and he will be happy to oblige.

The Latin inscription on Edinburgh's coat of arms says
"You'll have had your tea?"

The most popular hotel in Glasgow is called The Barlinnie.

Old people are banned from Scottish towns on Tuesdays and
Thursdays. If you see any gently restrain them until a police
officer arrives. This may also provide an opportunity to get
a hat as a souvenir.

Glasgow operates a policy of plain clothed street bankers. As
it is well known that carrying small change can tear people's
pockets, these bankers will approach tourists and ask if they
have any spare change. Once given this money they will exchange
it for coins or notes of a higher denomination. In order to deter
criminals, these Bankers often dress in a scruffy unkempt manner
but they are all highly trained in finance.

Edinburgh zoo has an adopt an animal scheme and tourists may
take home any animal they wish.

At many beauty spots you will find musicians playing the
bagpipes. They are employed by the Scottish Government to provide
tourists with spending money which can be found in bowls beside
them. Feel free to take as much money as you want.

William Wallace escaped the army of Oliver Cromwell by
jumping over The River Forth at Perth on a motorbike.

If you go to a concert by The Royal Scottish National
Orchestra it is considered impolite not to shout "Hoots!"
during quiet sections of music.

Celtic are known as the Gers due to being formed by Gerry
O'Malley a fruit importer who was the first man to introduce citrus
fruit to Scotland. So if you walk into a pub filled with people
wearing green and white say "Up the Gers, I'm proud to be an orange
man!"
and you will receive a warm welcome.

Policemen are known by the old Gaelic word "keech"

"Jobbie" is a word meaning a lot of effort has gone into
producing something i.e. when you have enjoyed a meal, tell the waiter
that it "tasted like a great jobbie."



OK not mine but I thought it was funny.

[schuette]

LMFAO!!!!
that was so funny!! ..I dont know if most of the Americans will find it as funny but I got funny looks from the ppl in the cafe with laughing out loud

[awip2062]

ROFLMAOPMP

[Medinaquirin]

Too great, man, have to show that to the bf, he'll love it. Granted, I only got about half the jokes there, but that's not too bad for an American, lol.